The Most Useless Knowledge that Teaches the Most about Life: 22 Dwight Schrute Quotes

Dwight Schrute is arguably one of the funniest and most interesting characters we’ve seen on TV in the past fourteen years. He’s stubborn, opinionated, and all-around hilarious. And while he might not be the sharpest tool in the shed, these Dwight Schrute quotes prove that he’s the funniest.

I’ve watched The Office for years and since it’s one of my favorite shows and Dwight is my favorite character, making this list was a no-brainer. So, I searched high and low and found the 22 undoubtedly best Dwight Schrute quotes. I just know that these will make you laugh and help make your day better. Without further ado, let’s dive right in.

Best Dwight Schrute Quotes

Funny Dwight Schrute Quotes

#1. “Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, “Would an idiot do that?” And if they would, I do not do that thing.”

#2. “I am not a bad person. When I left Staples, I took some of their leads with me but I never intended to use them. What did I intend to do with them? Who knows. Maybe keep them as a souvenir. Maybe use them.”

#3. “In the end, the greatest snowball isn’t a snowball at all: it’s fear. Merry Christmas.”

#4. “I think one of the greatest things about modern America is the computerization of medical records. As a volunteer sheriff, I can look up anyone’s psychiatric records or surgical histories. Yeast infections… There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we’re downriver from that old bread factory.”

#5. “Listen, when I saw you talking to Erin earlier, I noticed that your pupils dilated and your skin flushed and, I’m assuming, a little bit of blood rushed into your penis. Well, a little bit of blood rushed into mine as well, so where does that leave us?”

#6. “The eyes are the groin of the head.”

#7. “I want to have a child for business reasons and I want you to be the mother. If you agree, say nothing. If you disagree, say anything. [Angela is silent] Very well. Let’s meet at 4:00 pm at our old meeting spot and bang it out.”

#8. “Hazing is a fun way to show a new employee that she is not welcome or liked.”

#9. “Everyone, follow me to the shelter. We’ve got enough food for 14 days. After that, we’ll have a difficult conversation.”

Dwight Schrute Quotes About Women and Love

#10. “Aw, man! Am I a woman? Aww! Boo!”

#11. “Listen to me! I love you! And I don’t care that Phillip’s not my son! I will raise 100 children with 100 of your lovers if it means I can be with you!”

#12. “Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. Snare it. Then to keep it happy, you have to tame it. Feed it, care for it. Lovingly. The way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving.”

#13. “I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn’t have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I’d just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I’d be more in tune with the moon and the tides.”

Somewhat Insightful Dwight Schrute Quotes

#14. “What did I do? I did my job. I slashed benefits to the bone. I saved this company money. Was I too harsh? Maybe. I don’t believe in coddling people. In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, “Ow, I hurt my leg. I can’t run. A lion eats me and I’m dead.” Well, I’m not dead. I’m the lion. You’re dead.”

#15. “I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War Two veteran. Killed twenty men, then spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.”

#16. “Many ideas were not appreciated in their time. Like shampoo.”

#17. “Why tip someone for a job I’m capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.”

Hysterical Dwight Schrute Quotes

#18. “I have been Michael’s number two guy for about 5 years, and we make a great team. We’re like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart and I’m like Mozart’s friend. No. I’m like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you’re gonna get a bullet in the head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.”

#19. “All that singing got in the way of some perfectly good murders.”

#20. “The letter “R” is among the most menacing of sounds. That’s why they call it murder and not mukduk.”

#21. “What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany’s at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier — it’s priceless. As I’m taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It’s her father’s business; she’s Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come, and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada — I don’t trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard: I have a son, and he’s the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadéro. She’s been waiting for me all these years, she’s never taken another lover. I don’t care. I don’t show up. I go to Berlin. That’s where I stashed the chandelier.”

#22. “That butoxide has a mild hallucinogenic effect, but I don’t think it’s kicked in yet. I’m gonna count down from ten. Ten, nine, yellow, cold, sad, purple.”

To Conclude

Dwight Schrute was, in part, what made The Office so iconic and memorable for me. His shenanigans and unwavering belief in himself have been cracking me up for years.

So, if you’re a massive fan of the show like me, I know these Dwight Schrute quotes have made you feel inspired. And if not, at least you got some laughs out of reading them.

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