45 Funny Quotes from the Most Popular Stand-Up Comedians on Life

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Funny Quotes

Established comedians don’t become famous simply because they are funny. They use their wit to share views on life’s relatable and pertinent issues. If you only want to laugh, joke books can serve the purpose.

Successful stand-up comedians do more than plain slapstick humor. They open up minds, inspire their audience, bring about social awareness and change perspectives. When these qualities combine, the outcome is exceptionally meaningful and stirring.

Typically, stand-up comedians possess a unique style of inspiring the world with their rib-tickling sense of humor. Here are 45 funny quotes by some well-known funny men and women on life that will enthuse you.

1. “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” ~ Zach Galifianakis

2. “Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.” ~ George Burns

3. “Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.” ~ George Carlin

4. “Whenever you leave behind failure, you’re doing good. If you think everything you’ve done is great, you’re probably dumb.” ~ Louis C.K.

5. “There is a huge difference between a dog that is going to eat you in your mind and an actual dog that’s going to eat you.” ~ Jim Carrey

6. “You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.” ~ Robin Williams

7. “Take your risks now, as you grow older you become more fearful and less flexible. And I mean that literally. I hurt my knee this week on the treadmill, and it wasn’t even on.” ~ Amy Poehler

8. “For fast-acting relief try slowing down.” ~ Lily Tomlin

9. “If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.” ~ Johnny Carson

10. “You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub… and you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.” ~ Anthony Jeselnik

11. “When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn’t matter who’s president.” ~ Louis C. K.

12. “Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most importantly, laugh at yourself.” ~ Chelsea Handler

13. “I’ve always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.” ~ Bob Hope

14. “Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.” ~ George Carlin

15. “The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.” ~ Lily Tomlin

16. “Normal is nothing more than a cycle on a washing machine.” ~ Whoopi Goldberg

17. “Sometimes you just have to put on lip gloss and pretend to be psyched.” ~ Mindy Kaling

18. “Confidence is 10 percent hard work and 90 percent delusion, just thinking foolishly that you will be able to do what you want to do.” ~ Tina Fey

19. “Mother Teresa didn’t walk around complaining about her thighs – she had shit to do.” ~ Sarah Silverman

20. “Everyone who wears a loincloth is not Gandhi.” ~ Johnny Lever

21. “A bookstore is one of the only pieces of physical evidence we have that people are still thinking.” ~ King Jerry Seinfeld

22. “Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I’m being funny, but I’m reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we’re going down the tube.” ~ Joan Rivers

23. “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” ~ George Carlin

24. “It’s my belief we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.” ~ Lily Tomlin

25. “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night” ~ Steve Martin

26. “Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” ~ Will Rogers

27. “If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.” ~ Milton Berle

28. “As long as the world is turning and spinning, we’re gonna be dizzy and we’re gonna make mistakes.” ~ Mel Brooks

29. “Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path then by all means you should follow that.” ~ Ellen DeGeneres

30. “We didn’t give women the vote until 1920. (Before that,) women didn’t get the vote in this country. That means American democracy is 94 years old. There are three people in my building older than American democracy.” ~ Louis C. K.

31. “I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” ~ Lily Tomlin

32. “Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.” ~ George Carlin

33. “‘I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless; it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you’re alive is amazing, so you don’t get to say ‘I’m bored.’” ~ Louis C. K.

34. “Life is a blank canvas, and you need to throw all the paint on it you can.” ~ Danny Kaye

35. “Accept who you are. Unless you are a serial killer.” ~ Ellen DeGeneres

36. “Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing ’til it gets there.” ~ Josh Billings

37. “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.” ~ Charles Schulz

38. “Everything is amazing and nobody’s happy.” ~ Louis C. K.

39. “Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.” ~ King Jerry Seinfeld

40. “Don’t be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed.” ~ Lily Tomlin

41. “People may hate you for being different and not living by society’s standards, but deep down they wish they had the courage to do the same.” ~ Kevin Hart

42. “I’m not funny. What I am is brave.” ~ Lucille Ball

43. “Life is funny, and that’s why I celebrate it in my shows.” ~ Loni Love

44. “You’ll have bad times, but it’ll always wake you up to the good stuff you weren’t paying attention to.” ~ Robin Williams

45. “Be so good they can’t ignore you.” ~ Steve Martin

Inspirational humor is light on the human mind, and yet insightful. It is extremely refreshing and triggers creative thinking. So laugh to your heart’s content and get inspired. These eminently funny people are actually giving you life’s lessons.

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